Chapter Fifty-One

"Of course, I feel it. I just.. I don't know." He said looking away.
"Why do you always do that?"
"Do what?"
"You want me, you fought for me and you waited for me and you tell me things that I believe, that you want this forever. That you love me and will always love me, but then when it actually happens.. when you do get me and when I say that I want forever too, you freak out." I said.
"forever is along time."
"what the fuck does that mean, Sidney?" I said getting pissed.
"I don't know. I do love you and I do want to be with you for forever, its just I'm not ready.." He started to say than I cut him off.
"Ready for what? I thought this is what you wanted.. a committed relationship? You got mad when I was with Simon, you didn't like me hanging out with Connor and I obviously want to be with you, so what the hell do you want?" I said.
"I want you." He whispered.
"Then what was this all about." I asked sitting down beside him again.
"Don't laugh." He said.
"Promise."
"I want us to be together and I don't want to be with anyone else, but the thought of getting married scares me." He said and I started laughing.
"You promised you wouldn't laugh." He said getting mad.
"Babe, I think marriage is scary. I just told you that I didn't even believe that someone could be with someone that long until I met you. You made me believe in marriage, but I'm 19 and I'm not even going to think about getting married until I graduate. I want to be with you and yeah, I want to be married to you. But lets be realistic, we haven't even made it a full year without breaking up. I think we should just focus on baby steps." I said kissing him on the cheek.
"I just don't want to disappoint you." He said.
"As long as me and you are together, everything will be fine. I truly believe that." I said.
"I'm sorry for tonight." He whispered when we were just laying on my bed.
"I'm sorry for blaming it on your superstitions. Thanks for caring about what I wrote in my journal."
"Of course I care." He said.
"And Jo.."
"What?" I said.
"Don't think that I don't want to be with you in every sense. I just don't want you to have second thoughts." he said.
"I won't babe. It wouldn't be bad and I wouldn't have any regrets.. its not like the other times. You aren't just another guy for me." I explained and then we kissed.
"When does the series with Philly start?" I asked.
"Wednesday." He said.
"that should be fun. Who doesn't like beating Philly?" I said laughing.
"Both of my parents are coming in." He said.
"Wheres Taylor?" I asked.
"She is staying with my grandma and going to school." He said.
"Hey, Sid. Is it okay if we go to sleep? I'm really tired." I whispered.
"Yeah, babe." He said and gave me a good night kiss.
"I love you." I said.
"I love you too. I don't think I tell you that enough." He said and then we went to sleep.

After that night, we didn't talk about sex. He was busy getting ready for Philly and I was just working at the cafe. I started to talk to Connor again. We were going to go to dinner the night of the first game with Philly.
"Can I have two tickets for tonights game?" I asked.
"Two?" He asked confused. For the whole playoffs I had gone by myself.
"Connor is coming."
"Connor?"
"We are going to go to dinner before the game and then I thought he could come? No?" I said confused.
"No, its fine. I didn't know you two still talked."
"We just started again. We have some issues to work out, obviously." I said laughing and sitting on his bed.
"Okay, just be careful with him."He said.
"Sidney." I said.
"I'm just saying." He said.
"Okay, I just wanted to come and wish you luck. I love you and I'll see you after." I said kissing him before leaving.