Chapter Fifty

Sidney and I had just went to dinner during the week they had off before the Philly series. It was an amazing dinner.
"So what do you want to do now?" He asked me when we got into the car after dinner.
"I don't care. We can just go back to Mario's." I said. Then we headed back there. When we got up to his room, we were just fooling around. We were on the bed and making out, when I started to unbutton his shirt while continuing to kiss him. He let me unbutton almost all of the buttons until he stopped me and pulled away.
"What are you doing?" He asked.
"What do you think I am doing." I said and went back to kissing him.
"Jo, no." He said and stopped me again.
"Whats your problem?" I asked him sitting up from the bed.
"Nothing."
"Nothing? I want to have sex and you are just now deciding against it?" I said getting upset and he just looked at me.
"I know.. we can't make love because it would mess up with your schedule. Heaven forbid you do something different and you lose!" I said.
"Thats not fair." He said.
"Really? Whats not fair is that we have been dating off and on for three years and I finally decide I want to have sex with you and you don't want too." I said.
"I want too." He said.
"Yeah, sure." I said and walked out.
"Jo, don't leave." He said walking after me.
"I need to go home.. I'll talk to you later." I said and started walking towards my house.

Two Hours Later
I was laying in my bed with my covers over my head when I heard someone open my door. I figured it was Jacob, because he probably saw my light on and wondered what I was doing home. Then I felt someone sit on my bed and I knew it wasn't Jacob.
"Babe, I'm sorry." He whispered in my ear while I was still under my cover. I moved the covers so Sidney could see my face.
"Don't cry, love." He said touching my face.
"I just don't get it." I said. As soon as I said it, he pulled out one of my journals.
"Whats that?" I asked.
"Its why I didn't make love to you tonight." He said.
"I don't get it." I said.
"I can't believe this happened. I always envisioned my first time would be with someone I loved. I never thought of it as just sex, it was always something more. It was something more and it happened in a bathroom. It happened and I was scared. I didn't love him, I had a crush on him. You aren't suppose to be scared when you make love and you aren't suppose to regret it. I want it to be meaningful and I want to not be scared." He read from my journal.
"Sidney, I wrote that after Colin." I explained.
"I know."
"But I still don't get why you stopped me."
"I don't get why I keep doing this. I knew right after I slept with Simon, that it was wrong. I can't even imagine telling Sidney about it. I can't hurt him and I know it will happen. I can't believe I slept with Simon. I don't even love Simon. I don't get why I keep doing this, I don't get why I keep doing these things that I know are wrong. I don't get why I don't love him and I don't get why I run away from the person I do love. I don't get why I can't do the right thing. I don't understand why sex ruins things. I knew it would. Sex ruins things or atleast changes them. I've heard enough stories about everyone and its weird. I just don't get what I'm doing and where my life is going. I don't like having regrets, and I have a feeling that sex will always be a regret." He said reading.
"I still don't understand."
"I don't want you to regret this. I don't want you to think that this will change things. I like how things are and I love you and I don't want to pressure you into anything. I don't want you to regret being with me and I don't want you to resent me." He said. I grabbed a journal on my night stand.
"Tonight, things changed. I looked in Sidney's eyes and I saw his soul. I looked at him and I knew things would be okay. I love him and I can't imagine not loving him. To be honest, I can't imagine a time in the past three years where I didn't love him. I can't imagine a time in the future when that love will stop. Sidney is my future and I was scared to let him read my journals because I thought we would love me less. I realized he couldn't fully love me without knowing my past. When I am with Sidney, I don't fear anything. The future is a mystery, but I look forward to the uncertainty as long as Sidney as by my side. Tonight changed things, because for the first time in my life I realized that I love Sidney unconditionally. I realized that my love is unwaivering. I am no longer scared of not playing soccer, I am no longer scared of my mom having another kid, and I'm no longer scared of anything. Actually, thats not true. The only thing that I am scared of is losing Sidney. I have done it once and I can't deal with that pain again. However, I am no longer afraid of that pain because I know that Sidney's heart is kind. I know that nothing I could ever do with Sidney could be wrong." I said stopping.
"When did you write that?" He asked.
"I wrote it about a week ago." I explained.
"Do you really believe those things?" He asked me.
"I believe them and I do love you, Sidney. I love you more than I did three years ago. I love you more than I did 2 months ago. I love you and I want to be with you in every sense." I said touching his hand.
"I love you, Joey. I love you and I am scared to hurt you. I am scared to sleep with you and then hurt you. I am just scared of messing this up." He said.
"Whatver happens, Sidney, we can get through it. I'm not scared of you hurting me."
"How can you be so sure?" He asked.
"Because when I kiss you, it feels right. When I hold your hand, our hands fit perfectly together. I find myself watching hockey that you aren't even playing because I know you are probably watching the same game. I talk about you when I'm not with you and I miss you uncontrollably when you are away. I never believed in loving someone for forever until about 4 months ago. You made me believe that its possible to spend forever with someone and still want more. Can't you feel it?" I asked him and kissed him.