Chapter Seventy-Three

I couldn’t sleep. I always slept better when I was with Sidney. I didn’t know if I was restless because I was sleeping away from Sidney, or it was because of the fight. I knew I had overreacted. Looking back, I knew I had, that seemed obvious. I know that he loves me and I know he won’t cheat on me with Sam. Its just, I don’t get why he didn’t tell me. Sidney is my world; I love him more than I probably should. I don’t like to feel threatened, and I guess that’s how I felt. It didn’t matter that I knew he wouldn’t do anything. It didn’t matter that I knew he loved me. It didn’t matter that I knew we were meant to be, none of that seemed to matter to me. All I could think of is Sam had something of Sidney, I had yet to have.

After two hours of not being able to sleep, I couldn’t take it anymore. I crawled out of the guest bed and walked down the hall to the master bedroom. Sidney seemed to be sleeping, but once he felt be get into bed with him, he opened his eyes.

“I can’t sleep without you.” I whispered.

“Are we okay?” He asked.

“We will talk about it tomorrow.” I said.

“I love you.” He whispered.

“I know.” And he kissed me on the forehead.

“Hey, is it okay if I go talk to your mom?” I asked him in the morning.

“Are you still mad?” He asked.

“I’m not mad. I’m just confused. I just need time to think.” I said.

“So you would rather talk to my mom than me?” He asked kind of hurt.

“Its not like that, Sidney. I do love you. And yeah, I probably overreacted last night and yesterday, but I was mad. I was hurt. I just.. I don’t like thinking about the girls you have been with. Its hard for me to know that you have been with people that I don’t even know about. You know every boy I have ever even had a crush on.”

“I do love you, Joey.”

“I love you too. Everything will be fine. I just need to think.” I said.

“well, me, dad, and Taylor are going to go do some hockey stuff. I can drop you off when I pick them up.”

“Are you mad at me?” I asked him.

“I love you, and yeah I was mad at you for overreacting. But, I love you so I can’t stay mad long.” He said.

“I don’t know whats wrong with me.” I said.

“Nothing is wrong with you.”He said.

“I just blew up over something not even that big. I just.. I don’t know. Today will help.” I said. I got dressed and then we went to his parent’s house.

“Tea?” Trina asked once they left. I just nodded my head.

“I’m sorry about last night.” I said when she brought me my tea.

“Did you two talk?” She asked me.

“It was my fault. I shouldn’t have freaked out. Its just scary. Its scary knowing there are so many girls that want to be with him. Its scary that he has been with girls that I don’t even know about..” I said.

“Joey, he doesn’t care who wants to be with him. He just wants to be with you.”

“he does right now, but what happens in three months? What happens when we get into a fight and he goes out with his friends? I want to trust him, and normally I do. But, sometimes I think about everything that has happened between us and I don’t know.” I said.

“You have always had his heart, Joey. I remember the phone call after he met you.”

“really?”

“Yeah, he said he met this girl today. It took him by surprise. You were rude to him. I knew that day that he met his match.”

“That was so long ago.”

“Joey, I also remember the call when you kissed for the first time.”

“What did he say?”

“He said it was nothing like he had ever felt before. But there are two calls that probably stick out most in my mind.”

“What are they?”

“The one he called me right after he found out about Colin.”

“You know about what happened with Colin?” I asked mortified.

“Yeah. Sidney called right after he found out, he was so so terrified. He couldn’t believe that someone would ever want to hurt you. He was so upset that he couldn’t protect you from that.”

“He didn’t even know me back then.”

“That’s what kills him. He didn’t know you and you were in so much pain. When you are in pain, can’t you see he is too? Joey, I have never seen my son care about anyone as much as he cares about you. It tears him apart to hurt you. It kills him to know that you had a life before him.”

“Its weird to think he has this life I don’t know about. Its weird, because I feel like I have known him forever. That’s what hurt so bad about Sam. It just made me realize that there 18 years of life before I ever even saw Sidney. 18 years, that’s such a long time. I forget.. I forget that there was a time when Sidney and I knew nothing about each other.” I said.

“You think that’s the only reason you were upset?” Trina asked.

“I was upset because it made me question his love for me, and I know its silly. I know that he loves me, but I can’t imagine loving someone else. I don’t even know if I ever did. It kills me to think that Sidney and I may not be together forever. I didn’t even believe in marriage until I met Sidney. I thought it was crazy to think about spending forever with one person. I thought it was insane to give of yourself so unselfishly. Sidney changed everything.”

“You are the only the person that doubts your love for each other. Everyone can see it. My son loves you and would give the world to be with you, and I know you feel the same. You just have to have some faith and belief in my son.” Trina said.

“I know. What was the other phone call you remember so well?”

“He called me after he broke up with Brittany. He was in tears saying he didn’t think you would ever forgive him. He didn’t think he deserved to be with you. He thought he blew his chance. That’s when I knew my son was ready for you. He realized that losing you was much more important than anything else. Realizing it was possible to lose you, made him realize that it couldn’t be a possibility, because without you his life didn’t make sense.”

“Thanks, Trina.” I said.

“Here, I want to show you something.” She said and got up. She was walking towards Sidney’s room. She got in his closet and brought down a box. I didn’t know what this was all about. I sat on Sidney’s bed and she placed the box between the two of us. She opened the lid, and it looked like a whole bunch of letters. I picked a letter up. It was addressed to me, but never sent. I picked up another, same thing.

“I don’t understand.” I said looking at Trina.

“Last year, Sidney loved you. If you doubt that, read these.” She said.

“Sidney and I didn’t talk for months last year. He hated me after leaving here last summer.”

“Sidney wrote these letters to you. He wrote one everyday since the day you left last summer. He wrote them until November, I think.”

“Why didn’t he ever send them?”

“I thought he was going too. I actually thought he did, until he brought a box full of them home for Christmas.”

“Why are you showing me these?” I asked.

“I know its hard having him has a boyfriend, with the fans and media. I can understand why you are jealous or insecure sometimes. But, you don’t have to be. These letters prove that. Even when you thought he hated you, he loved you and you were in his heart. You will always be in his heart, and the sooner you realize it, the better your relationship will be.” Trina said getting up and leaving. I just laid there on his bed in his old room. I picked up a letter, it was the last one.

Joey,

It seems like its been forever since we last talked. You keep calling and every time I think about picking up. I actually start dialing you number sometimes. I miss you, but I don’t know how to tell you that. I don’t know how to tell you everything that I am feeling. I love you and I don’t know why you chose someone over me. I don’t know why things happen sometimes. I don’t know why love can’t conquer all. If it could, we would be together right now, because I love you more than I should. I love you despite everything that has happened, and the beauty is I know you love me too. We just can’t seem to get things right. I know that you are scared because I am your best friend. I know its scary having the two most important people in your life, best friend and boyfriend, being the same person. I know its scary, but its also scary not having either one of those. I miss you as my best friend and as my girlfriend. I miss the stupid things we use to do. I miss watching you eat ice cream even when I couldn’t because I was training. I miss watching the same movie over and over again. I miss hearing you completely crush on Leonardo Dicaprio. I miss your voice. I miss everything about you, and I can’t wait until things can be okay again. I know that things are far from being okay. I know that things are really screwed up right now. But, I look forward to the day where you and I are best friends again. I will never stop loving you, because you are the best part of me. Nothing seems right without you. Be with whomever you need to be with right now. Whether its that Simon kid, or someone you haven’t met yet. I want you to be happy, but I will be here waiting. Waiting for you to realize that I am the one you want and the one you need. My love for you will never waive.

All my Love,

Sidney.

After I read it, I felt tears stroll down my eyes. I was just lying in his bed staring at the walls he must have stared at so many times before. Being there, just made me feel closer to him. It didn’t matter to me who he loved before me, as long as I was the one he loved now. As long as I was the one he wanted to be with. I wasn’t sure how long I was lying there when Sidney sat on the bed and put his hand on my shoulder.

“I see my mom showed you the letters.” Sidney said.

“Why didn’t you ever send them to me?” I asked.

“I knew that I needed to be something different for you. I knew that you needed me to be different. Writing to you made it feel like we were still talking..” He said.

“I’m so sorry, Sidney. I just get scared sometimes.” I said with tears forming in my eyes.

“Scared of what?”

“I’m scared that you are going to realize that you could do so much better than me. I’m scared that this isn’t going to work and that my heart will be broken into a million different pieces. I just don’t want to lose you and I don’t think I could bear it.”

“No one is better than you, baby. I love you and if it doesn’t work out my heart will be broken into a million different pieces as well. I love you and I’m sorry about the Sam thing. I should have told you, but you comparing yourself to her is just crazy.”

“Its not.”

“It is. My love for you is not comparable to how I have ever felt before. I didn’t even know what love was before I met you. You are my soul mate, no one can touch that.” He said kissing me.

“Your mine too.” I said smiling.