Chapter Seventy-Five

“What are you doing?” Sidney asked when he came in from his morning workout. I was lying on the couch.

“Some light reading.” I said waving one of the letters.

“Oh come on.” He said coming over to me.

“You have my journals.. I have your letters. It seems pretty even now.” I said.

“Fine. I’m going to go fishing.” He said.

“Have fun with my letters.” He said laughing.

“Have fun alone.” I said back laughing.

About two hours later he came back in.

“You are still reading..” He said.

“No, I am done.” I said.

“Finally.” He said.

“Shut up! You have like 25 of my journals. You know everything about me. Those journals were never meant for anyone to read them. Atleast you censored yourself a little in these letters.” I said.

“True. But I love reading those journals. When I go on the road, I always take a journal with me. So, when I miss you I just read them. I took them to the Bahamas with me. I take them everywhere. They are a little piece of you.” He said.

“That was sweet babe.” I said reaching up and kissing him.

“Want to hear my favorite?” I asked.

“Not really, but sure.” He said giving in.

Joey,

Its been a week since you chose Simon. Only a week, isn’t that crazy? It seems like forever ago. Everyday I find myself not wanting to get out of bed because you aren’t here. The only reason I get up is because I have that slight hope that today will be the day. Today will be the day that things go back to normal. Today, you won’t choose Simon. Today, you will choose me. I know it won’t happen. I know that Simon can give you something you obviously couldn’t get from me. I know that timing was never our strong suit. I know that love can’t always conquer all. I love you Joey Smith. I love you with all my heart but I know that you are with Simon. I know that I’m not the man you hoped I would become. Somewhere along the way, I lost that person. But, I know without you I can never be him. Without you I will never be the best version of myself. I need you because without you, my best isn’t enough.

I try and live my life without regrets. You know, why waste your time regretting something. It is in the past and I know that. But if I regret anything in this past year, it’s not fighting for you. I should have fought for you more than I did. I should have told you that I loved you. I should have told you that I needed you. I should have told you that you are the best part of me. I should have told you that I would be nothing without you. I should have told you that everything means nothing if you aren’t by my side. I should have said these things. I should have fought for you and I am sorry. I am sorry because I let you down. I let you question my love. And now, you are with Simon. I am sure he doesn’t let you question what you mean to him. I think about you everyday. Probably more than I should. Actually, it might be creepy but I think about you all the time. What you are doing and how things are? I can’t be without you, but I know right now that I have too. Just know that I love you and from now on.. I will fight for you. Because if I don’t, my life isn’t worth anything. All I have without you is hockey and its just not as fun if you aren’t around.

So, I’m sorry for hurting you. I’m sorry for making you doubt things about me. I’m sorry for not fighting. I’m sorry for not making love conquer all.

Love Always,

Sidney.

“Its embarrassing for you to read them because I never was going to send them to you.” He said.

“What?”

“They are like my journals. I needed to write these things because it was what I was feeling. But, I couldn’t send them to you because you would think I was crazy. Plus, at the time I wanted to talk to you but I didn’t.” He said.

“Well I like the fact that you still thought about me even when I thought you hated me. I like the fact that I’m never far from your mind.” I said.

“Now that you read your favorite letter, I get to read my favorite journal entry.” He said and ran upstairs.

“Sidney, you are such a liar! You just pick random entries and say they are your favorite. You supposedly already read me one of your favorites.” I said laughing.

“Oh Shut up, just listen.”

When Cara died, it changed everything. She was the one girl who related to me. She was the girl who knew everything about me and liked me just the same. She was the one person I would die for and be okay with. She was my best friend. She was the best person I know. I guess, I should saw knew. Cara died and a little part inside of me died with her. That part that let people in. The part that let people so close to me that they could actually hurt me.

Today, today changed everything. Today I gave Sidney all of my journals. Well obviously, not the one I am writing in right now. But, he will read this eventually.. maybe.. unless he fucks up again. I don’t think he will. Actually, in my heart I know he won’t. but, anyways.. today I gave them to him. It was a big deal because now he knows everything. He knows every little thing I ever thought. Today I let Sidney in. I let the part of me that only Cara knew be alive again. Its weird to trust someone that much. I kind of forgot what it felt like. I trust him. I trust Sidney with my life. I trust him with my heart, which is crazy. I remember writing when I was a freshman or something that I never thought I would find someone. I never thought I would find that person that loved me for me. I never thought I would find my perfect man, my soul mate. I never thought any of these things would happen. I know people say everyone has that one person out there that was made for them. I didn’t think it was in my cards. I didn’t think I deserved that person. Sidney just walked into my life and made me believe I deserved love. He made me think that I was worthy, and I love him for that. Sidney is my soul mate and I know that. Sidney is my somebody. Sidney is my person. He gives me purpose, when I feel I have none. Without him, my soul would be empty, my heart broken, my being incomplete. I thank God everyday that he was brought into my life. And I feel like I should thank Sidney everyday for loving me.

The other day Jocelyn asked me what a soul mate was. I almost told her that a soul mate was what Sidney was to me. Because he is my soul mate. Sidney is my best friend and my soul mate. He is the love of my life. Instead, I quoted Dawson Leery. I guess that’s why there are TV shows, because they can articulate what we cannot. But, Sidney is my soul mate in every sense of the word. Sidney is exactly what Dawson described when he said, “It's a.. Well, it's like a best friend, but more. It's the one person in the world that knows you better than anyone else. It's someone who makes you a better person, well, actually they don't make you a better person... you do that yourself-- because they inspire you. A soulmate is someone who you carry with you forever. It's the one person who knew you, and accepted you, and believed in you before anyone else did or when no one else would. And no matter what happens.. you'll always love them.” Jocelyn looked at me and asked me if I believed in soul mates. I of course said I did. She didn’t ask me if I had one, she simply said. Oh so its like what Sidney is to you. And all I could say was exactly.

“I love that. I could read it everyday.” He said.

“We are such nerds.” I said laughing.

“Yeah, but I kind of like it.” He said and kissed me.