Chapter Twenty-Four

Dec. 21, 2007
All break I have been waking up and going to work out. Trying to keep the rest of my body in shape so when my knee is good, everything won't take so long. I can almost bend it the whole way and they say by New Years, I will have full range of motion. Thank God. Sidney and I have been spending alot of time together. He went on a two game roadtrip last week and came back late last night. My family left for Boston, so I am all by myself. Sidney said he will stay with me, last night Connor (the boy that took me to prom) stayed with me. I felt better having a boy staying with me and Connor volunteered. I was glad to have Sidney back, though. It would be much better.

I was laying on my couch when Sidney walked in like nothing.
"Hey babe." He said.
"Hey you." I said sitting up.
"How goes it?" He said sitting down.
"Its good. Look at my knee." I said bending it back and forth.
"Thats really good, Jo. So did your parents get to Boston okay?"
"Yeah, I don't know. Jake is really excited to play and stuff. The kids can't wait for Santa.. I don't think they care much that I won't be there." I said.
"They care. Of course they care." He said reassuring me.
"Yeah.. if you say so." I said.
"So you have a game tonight?" I asked.
"No, I just came from practice. Tonight, I'm all yours." He said kissing me.
"So what do you want to do?" I asked.
"Food would be good.. movie maybe? game? hot tub?" He said.
"You have never wanted to go into the hot tub before." I said confused.
"Probably because it would be weird asking you to go in with your parents here, they probably think I want to go in for other reasons." He said laughing.
"Okay?" I said confused.
"I don't know. We can do whatever you want." He said.
"Lets play some video games then go get food?" I said.
"Thats fine."

"Sidney, why do you have to take the game so seriously?" I said quitting in the middle of our like 5th game.
"Why did you turn it off?!" He said getting pissed off.
"Because you are taking it too seriously.. I don't want to play with you like that."
"I'm competitive, what can I say?"
"Fine.. be competitive with someone else.. not me." I said getting up and taking our glasses to the kitchen.
"Jo, I'm sorry." He said following me.
"I just don't want to play with you like that.. its just.. not fun."
"I'm sorry."
"Are you?"
"Yeah.. why are you making such a big deal about it?"
"Because Sidney.. you take everything way too serious. When you are with me, be with me for fun. Be with me.. don't be thinking about your point total, or the standings..don't be thinking about hockey moves or anything like that."
"I am with you." He said coming up behind me and putting his arms around me.
"Okay, lets just go get dinner."

Later that night we were in my bedroom fooling around.
"Its nice being able to do this without worrying if your mom is going to walk in on us." He said kissing me.
"Yeah.. but don't talk." I said continuing to kiss him. After awhile, along while of kissing, his hands made his way up my shirt. Its not like that was the first time he felt them or that things went there (obviously). Things were getting intense, and I started to unbuckle his pants. We kept kissing and then I just stopped. I just stopped all of a sudden and ran downstairs. He waited awhile to follow me for obvious reasons.
"What was that about?" He said coming downstairs.
"I'm sorry." I said softly and switched channels.
"Whats wrong?"
"Nothing." I said.
"Then why were we having fun and then you just stopped? I don't get your problem."
"I don't have a problem.. I just don't want to have sex with.." I started and cut me off.
"With me." He said.
"I didn't mean it like I don't want to have sex with you, I do.."
"Then what did you mean?"
"Its more complicated than you think."
"Really? Where I'm standing it seems pretty simple. You aren't a virgin, you had sex with Simon. You supposedly love me more than life itself but yet we don't have sex?"
"You don't get it.. you probably wouldn't understand." I said watching tv.
"Look at me." He said.
"I can't." I said getting up and going to my room.
"Joey! Talk to me." He running up the stairs.
"I just.. its complicated." I said and he came and sat down next me.
"Then explain it, because right now my girlfriend who I love dearly doesn't want to make love, how is that suppose to feel?"
"I didn't think our relationship was about sex. I thought it was more."
"It is more."
"Then why does it matter if we have sex?"
"I just don't get why we don't."
"I told you that its complicated." I said.
"Then explain it to me." He said staring into my eyes.
"I thought I was pregnant." I said quickly.
"What?" He questioned.
"I had a pregnancy scare." I said.
"When?"
"Like in October.."
"Why didn't you tell me?"
"We weren't really talking at that point and its not like you really wanted to hear about me and Simon."
"So what happened?"
"I thought I was pregnant because I was late. I got my period like a week and a half late for some reason but I got it. Thats when everything changed."
"What do you mean?"
"Thats when I knew.."
"Knew what?"
"That you were the boy I wanted to be with."
"How?"
"Simon didn't know about the scare. We didn't have sex afterwards.. I just changed the subject or said I was too busy or something."
"So how did that make you know you loved me?"
"Because I couldn't tell you. I couldn't tell you and you were the only boy I wanted to tell. Simon as the father of my child? Simon, the boy from England? No.. Simon is a good guy but when that came up I thought to myself why am I doing this? Why am I with someone I don't want to be with forever? I'm not saying that if you were Simon in that situation, I would have been scared. I totally would have, but the thought of being eternally linked to you is a hell of a better idea than being linked to Simon. I knew I didn't want a baby, yet. But that made me realize I never wanted Simon to be the man that helped me raise my children." I said that and he just looked at me. "I'm scared to have sex with you.. not because I don't love you or that I don't want too. I'm scared because I'm not ready to be a mom. I'm not ready to have a kid even if you are the dad. I want to have children with you, I can see that happening because forever is forever, but not for years. I'm scared, because there is no way to know that it won't happen."
"I'm sorry." He said putting his arm around me. "I didn't know."
"You couldn't have. Only Sophie knew. I couldn't tell Simon, it would have freaked him out. I couldn't tell you because you already hated me and you would have called me a slut or something."
"I wouldn't have called you a slut.. you aren't."
"You have slept with one person.. thats more than.." He started.
"Thats more than you can say about yourself?" I questioned.
"It doesn't matter."
"It does matter.. to me." I said.
"Why?"
"Because Sidney. I love you and I know you have had sex with so many people and how scary is that. I'm scared of getting pregnant, I'm scared of not measuring up to your other people or your fantasies. You are so much more experienced than me.. people throw themselves at you."
"I don't sleep with every girl that talks to me."
"I'm sure you don't.. but you have slept with enough."
"I've slept with people, not a lot but people. But trust me, it was never like this."
"Did you love any of them?" I asked.
"I don't know."
"You don't know? You slept with people and you don't know if you loved them? Do you even remember their names?"
"Yes, Joey. Just.. You are enough for me and whatever you think I am expecting, you are wrong. I want to be with you because I love you. You don't want to have sex right now, thats fine. Thats not what its about with me.. thats not what it ever was about." He said putting his hand under my chin.
"I'm just scared." I said.
"When you are ready, I'm ready." He said. When he said that I just kissed him deeply on the lips.
"Kissing is good." He said smiling.
"Want to go to bed?" I asked.
"I could think of nothing I would rather do." He said and got changed and I did the same. We got into bed and his arms were around me and I said, "Sidney, I do love you. And I'm sorry I can't give that to you right now."
"It really doesn't matter to me. Those three words are all I need to hear." He said whispering in my ear.
"Thank you." I said back.
"This is what love is.. not sex." He said kissing my neck.