Chapter Twenty-Seven

January 18, 2008

"Is it bad?" I said to the man that came to find me in my seat when it happened.
"Its bad enough that he got me to get you."
"Great." I said sighing.

When I got down to the lockerroom I just went to the table where Sidney was sitting. We didn't say anything to eachother, I just at there because I knew it was going to be bad. Needless to say it was a long night. We were at the arena until way late and then I drove us back to Mario's.
"You do realize you have yet to say anything to me, right?" I said driving back to Sewickley.
"Sorry." He said.
"Its going to be fine.. you know that right?"
"I don't know that."
"fine.. I'm giving up." I said and just drove him home and got out of the car and started walking down the driveway.
"Where are you going?" He said calling after me.
"Home."
"Joey, don't be crazy. Just come in."
"I'm not coming in with you being like that." I said walking a little towards him.
"I'm sorry, baby. I know its bad.. I can just tell and I don't know what to do." He said and we were standing like inches away from eachother.
"I know how it feels.. I can't even be on the bike for ten minutes, but you made it better. Just let me back it better." I said reaching for his hand.
"My dad's here." He said when he saw the car lights.
"What?"
"He must have gotten the flight right after it happened." He said.
"Okay, well I'll call Jake to come get me. But call me tomorrow if you need me." I said.

January 21, 2008
When I walked out of the weight room, I saw a face I hadn't seen in a few days.
"What are you doing here?" I said.
"I wanted to see you." He said.
"Really? Cause you haven't even called me.." I said getting pissed off.
"I'm sorry."
"You know that word kind of loses its meaning when you say it so much." I said walking out of the building.
"Jo, don't be like that."
"Be like what?"
"Don't be mad at me."
"Seriously, Sidney? I'm your girlfriend and you are going through something hard and you don't want me to be my your side. You don't call, you don't text.. why?"
"I just needed something you can't give me." He said.
"Oh and your dad can give you that.. I like when he comes into town its like I don't even exist.. glad hes always here so its like I don't even have a boyfriend." I said walking into my dorm.
"Oh, wait! I'm sure if your dad can't give you what you need, the girl at the club could." I said throwing my gym bag of the floor.
"don't do this."
"You hurt me, Sidney. You hurt me because you don't need me.. I don't know what you want from me."
"I just want you." He said trying to put his hand up my shirt.
"Sidney, stop." I said walking away.
"I don't get it."
"Yeah, apparently you don't. You have my heart, isn't that enough?" I said and he sat down on the bed and put his head in his hands.
"I'm sorry.. I don't even know whats going on." He said.
"Its fine.. its rough and I know this, but just let me help you. Let me be there for you." I said.
"Its hard for me to just sit on the sidelines."
"I'm here.. always." I said putting my arm around him.
"We are going to be okay." I said and then we just layed on my bed for awhile.

Febuaray 5, 2008
I was working at the cafe since my brother had a doctors appointment. Sidney was just sitting in his normal table just being cute and texting me and I would go over just to talk for awhile. It was nice being good again. He was still in his walking boot, but he had a better attitude. I started rehabing with Simon. At first, Sidney was mad but then he realized it was the best way for me to get better. I was reading some text from Sidney when I heard a voice from the past.
"Hi, Joey." He said on the other side of the counter.
"What are you doing here Colin?" I said trying to keep my composure.
"I just came back for the weekend." He said.
"Okay, but why are you standing in front of me?"
" I wanted to see you." He said.
"I think you should leave, Colin. I'll see you around maybe." I said and he turned around to go.

"Mom, I have to leave." I said calling my mom.
"Why?"
"Colin just showed up." I told her.
"What? Are you okay?" She asked me.
"I just need to leave." I said.
"Okay, leave. Its fine." She said and I hung up the phone.

I walked past Sidney and went straight to his car. I didn't say a word and I didn't plan on saying a word. When we got to my house I got out of the car and ran into the house. I ran right past Jake and Sidney was still hobbling up the stairs to my house.
"Whats wrong with Joey?" Jake asked Sidney.
"I don't know, some kid came in to the cafe and she kind of freaked out." He said.
"What kid?"
"I don't know. I have never seen him before." Sidney said.
"Fuck." Jake said getting a little panicked.
"What?"
"there are things about Joey that you don't know.. things no one knows." He mumbled.

I didn't care what Sidney thought, or what anyone thought. I retreated to my bathroom floor because there no one could hurt me. No one could judge me. There I was safe. I sat against the door so no one could get in. A few minutes after we got home Sidney came and knocked on the door.
"Opened the door, Joey." He said. I just sat there and cried.
"Please, babe. I don't want you to be hurt.. Let me help you. Talk to me." He said. He stood there saying things for awhile and then finally I heard him sit down.
"I'm not leaving, Joey. I'll sit on this side of the door until you let me sit on that side with you." He said. Once I heard that I opened the door.
"Sorry." I whispered through my tears. He just grabbed me and hugged me. He held me for awhile. I sat back down on the bathroom floor and he sat beside me.
"Talk to me." He said.
"Its nothing." I said wiping away my tears. " I want to watch a movie." I said standing up.
"Who was that boy at the cafe?" He asked.
"Do you really want to know?" I asked unsure.
"Of course I want to know."
"Once you know.. there is no going back." I said.
"Baby, tell me what he did to you." He said and I walked to shut the door and sat on my bed.
"His name is Colin. I knew him when I was 14.. hes the reason I went to Sewickley Academy." I said.
"What happened?" Sidney asked.
"Something bad." I said. He just looked at me. "I was 14 and it was the end of my 8th grade. I had a crush on Colin. He was 17 and a Junior. We were hanging out at the school playing soccer. It was harmless fun..then.." I said turning away.
"Then what?"
"We went into the school to get a drink. I then walked into the bathroom and he followed me. I thought it was funny and I was laughing. Then I realized it wasn't funny." I said looking up at him. " I guess what I am trying to say is that my first time wasn't with Simon.. it was in a bathroom when I was 14." I said with tears rolling down my eyes. Sidney's face just fell and I could tell what he was thinking through his eyes.
"Why didn't you tell me?" He said.
"Because I didn't want you to look at me the way you just did." I said getting up and going back into my bathroom.
"Joey, come back out." He said.
"I can't."
"Why?"
"because now you know."
"I'm not going anywhere, Joey. It hurts me so bad to know that happened to you.. I want to kill him. You were 14.. I can't imagine how someone could do that." He said and I didn't say anything.
"I love you, Joey. Nothing could change that. I love you and you are the strongest person I know." He said.
"I'm sorry I didn't tell you. I just try and forget it. Only my family and Connor know. I'm over it.. its just I saw him for the first time in a while today at the cafe."
"I'm so so sorry that happened." He said hugging me.
"You were the first boy I ever trusted after it, I mean besides Jake and Connor. You are the only boy I ever truly trusted. I know you won't hurt me because I can't even explain how it felt." I said.
"You don't have to talk about it." He said.
"No, I want too. When it happened I locked myself in the bathroom. I didn't know what to do because I was suppose to go to Quaker Valley. My parents decided I should go to Sewickley. It was a good solution, but it didn't help the pain. I was 14 and I was raped by a boy that was an All-American. I was ashamed and I hated all boys. Its probably the reason I got so into soccer because no boys were around. I was in a shell until I met you. You saved me. You made me realize that not all boys are shit. You made me realize that I could trust you. I love you, Sidney and I'm sorry I didn't tell you, I just didn't want you to think less of me."
"I could never think less of you, baby. I love you with all my heart and it kills me that you were hurt like that. It kills me to know that happened and to think about it. I can't stop thinking about it. I love you, Josephine Smith and I'm here now and always." He said kissing my forehead.
"Could we just lay here tonight?" I said looking up at him.
"Nothing else I would rather do." He said.